Antojo

During my first week in Cúcuta, I went out to dinner with my host sister and her friend. I think I’ve talked about this dinner before, but it will always stay in my memory because it was the first time I actually got to discuss, in detail, phrases and differences between English and Spanish. “Antojo” was a word they taught me, and they described it as something you want. Strongly. We tried to find an English replacement, but they disagreed with Google Translate, which said “craving”. “Is it stronger than a dream?” I asked, to which they replied no. Through our discussion, it seemed to me like “craving” was a pretty good English equivalent, yet maybe Antojo is just a bit stronger.

I’m thinking about this conversation now because this week I’ve had many antojos. Sunday night, after my last post, I started to feel completely dizzy and needed to rest. I continued to feel sick Monday and stayed home from school, and my host family thought it was best to also stay home Tuesday. It’s hard to describe what it feels like to be sick in another country, ten months away from home.

When you’re sick at home, you drink your favorite drinks and eat your comfort food. You stay in what feels most familiar to you, your own bed. And here, when I have the whole day to myself to do nothing, there’s nothing to distract me from thinking about home. My antojos were the Vitamin Water I drink when I’m sick, the feeling of my bedsheets, and all together, the familiarity of my house and my family. It feels hard to miss home, I feel almost guilty to want to be somewhere other than Colombia but these antojos are true for every exchange student.

The rest of the week felt a bit off, as I didn’t really do much. I returned to school on Wednesday, and it turned out that it had been exam week. I took English (it felt good to understand every question!) and Physics, which actually wasn’t too bad. Thursday was three different types of math, but they took me and the other exchange student on a field trip to the mall for a presentation about Flora and Fauna, so I didn’t take it.

This type of thing actually happens a lot, where teachers or other students will take us out of class. We once went on a college tour with the kids in grade 11, sometimes we’ll just go sit in on a random meeting, or get interviewed, or just take a walk around the school. It’s really nice not to worry about school, which is very different from my school in Maine. All I would do was stress about tests and grades, but now my grades simply don’t matter. My main goal is really to work on my Spanish.

That’s another antojo I have. To know that my Spanish is getting better and to feel more comfortable speaking it. It’s really hard to know whether this is happening or not, because sometimes I’ll have days where I don’t face a lot of struggles with the language barrier , and others where I’ll have ten different embarrassing moments of not understanding. I think that I can understand a good amount more, though I can feel that my grammar and my vocabulary are still lacking.

When you tell people you’re going on a year-long exchange year to a Spanish speaking country, one of the things that everyone says is: “You’re going to be fluent when you get back!” and though that sounds absolutely amazing, it’s hard to live up to. Being even close to fluency right now seems impossible and so , so far away. And time, which you know I’ve been very observant of, feels very still right now.

I don’t want to complain about my experience at all. My host family is completely loving and my friends are amazing, and everything could be so much worse. I actually had a conversation with the German exchange student here, Kaja, whom I’ve spent a lot of time with over these weeks. She speaks English but her first language is German, and she was telling me that the other night she had a rotary meeting where she met someone who speaks German. I couldn’t imagine how relieving that must be, to finally speak your native language in one whole month. I’ve been lucky because I have my English teachers, the other rotary members, and a few of my friends to speak English with, so I would be having a really hard time if I didn’t hear my first language anywhere. She also didn’t have the opportunity to learn any Spanish in her school before coming to Colombia, so there’s a lot I have to be grateful for.

There’s a little over two weeks of September left, which means that the first Rotary trip to Pamplona is coming up. It’s going to be amazing to get to see another town in Colombia, and to meet all of the exchange students in my district. I really haven’t had any actual Rotary meetings yet, other than informally meeting three other girls at the party last week. I know that once October starts, the holidays will begin and all of the other Rotary trips will start. Time will start to pick up and fly by, which I am excited for, but the moment I’m in right now is important, too. I have a lot of upcoming antojos for my life here in Colombia. Like the coffee. The coffee here is always an antojo.

Talk to you soon!